Borderlines feel their emotions with much more intensity. The ability to feel more also makes us love more too. Supporting someone with BPD can be a challenge so try to approach it with empathy and understanding. Try to find places to learn about BPD, learn the symptoms and about the feelings associated with BPD. Learn about splitting, keeping in mind not to take it personal, and when they split, give them some quiet time alone to calm down and get back into their logical mind.
]\ People with borderline struggle with intense emotions, and they crave validation. They can have big reactions to things you may find trivial. Do your best to sound interested when they are talking to you. It isn't advisable to interrupt them, as that makes us feel like you were never listening. It's also important to understand that they have suffered complex trauma for an extended period of time. This resulted in somewhat of a insecure or anxious attachment. They also have a core issue. a fear of abandonment, which is the reason they are sensitive to your tone of voice, its why it's important to text them back, when they text. We are also very sensitive to criticism, because it feels like you don't like something about us. A great way to love us is to validate our feelings, let us know throughout the day that you are happy with our relationship, or a little reassurance that you aren't leaving us.
In every relationship with a borderline, its vital to set boundaries, very early. Waiting to set them only makes it much more difficult. Boundaries are like guardrails in your relationship that keep everything where it should be. It protects the relationship. Clearly communicate what behavior is acceptable and what is not. It's more likely than not you will witness them during a splitting episode. When this happens, the first sign will be black and white thinking. You may start hearing signs, like they may start using words like always and never. Try during an episode to say as little as possible, as the person splitting will be very reactive in a negative way, so sometimes by not saying too much, you avoid putting fuel on the fire. Its really important to know that they are not completely in control. They are in fight or flight and their brain is also smaller in 3 areas that also have reduced activity. These are the areas responsible for emotion regulation, anger outbursts, impulsivity, and memory.
While it is not nice to behave like that, they don't have the same abilities to calm down, like you. So, I ask you to be compassionate, and not to take it personal. It is a reflex like trauma response. give them some space until they can reset, may take 12 hours. I know that seems like a lot to deal with, however the benefits are big too. They will have the ability to love you more than anyone else, they are attentive and go an extra mile to please their partners. If they haven't been to DBT therapy, encourage them to go. DBT is the proven effective treatment for BPD, and after 1 year it can remove all their symptoms, and they may no longer test positive for borderline. Make sure you take care of your mental health as well. You might remind your loved one to eat, drink and take their meds, and remind them when treatment is, and encourage them to go.
These tips should really help you understand your partners needs better, and I thank you for caring enough to learn more so that you can support them better. If there is no DBT therapy where you live, I have Online DBT class listed on this site, under services and receive 20% off when you book through my website.
