My Mental health has caused problems my entire life. In my twenties my doctor prescribed me xanax, at first it helped a lot. It took all my pain away, It's not surprising I became addicted to that feeling. Things progressed over years and at the end, I'm embarrassed to admit I was taking 5-12, 2mg bars of xanax everyday. At this point my family was concerned about my ability to properly care for my children. Then July 5th, the police were at my door. Said they were to remove my children. There's nothing more traumatizing than losing a child. It makes you feel powerless, scared, angry and violated. Even when it's not happening to . you, If you saw someone lose their child, whether it was their life or they lost them to the state, it would break anyone's heart. It is brutal it's inhumane and cause life long issues for both the parent and the child. I never quit crying. I stopped taking the xanax the day they left. That only made things harder.Because I already had a hard time dealing with life and now when the worst thing that could happen was happening, I had to do it without anything to numb it, I felt every bit of it.
I remember every single night, I would wake up to my hands gripping my husband's head. I know it was because I was scared he would disappear too. When you lose your children, You don't know who you are without them and you feel like you failed at the only thing in life that really matters. And when you get them back you continue to be upset because you can never get back the time that they were gone. When children are removed because of drugs- you would think It would be simple just quit and get them back. It's not that easy like my situition.I was going through the hardest experience of my life and at the same time feeling everything for the first time in years. I felt Raw. The parent is using drugs because they don't feel able to deal with life, It's just too much. Then take their kids, now dealing with life is unbearable and hopelessness and a lack of confidence often makes them even worse. It's bad for everyone and it leaves the children feeling like the parent chose the drugs over them and and this is not true! The overwhelming sadness, shame, and grief are more than an addict can handle and they use as a coping measure. The drugs don't make them feel good, they distract the user from the life they can't deal with. Clearly they were struggling to deal with life before this life shattering traumatic event took place and and robbed them of their only reason to live and they are left even more unable to deal with life.
I'm grateful that I was able to stop numbing the very day I began to deal with this drama. Looking back I understand it had to happen. If my children hadn't been removed I would have continued to use xanax. I may have ended up with children who never spoke to me again.But this gave me a chance to wake up, stop and build a much better relationship with them. I still think removing them should only happen if the child is in danger. I think had they told me that they were going to take them I would have quit and avoided all of this.
When your child dies, It feels similar to when they are removed, only times infinity, because it's forever, no smiles, no laughter, no comforting hugs, no hope, no happiness and nobody can make it better. It's an unbearable VOID. When they were removed I wanted to try, try, try. But when they pass you want to die die die. I mean how many kids do I have now? Do I still have two or do I have one now?
